Happy 100th Birthday, Gipper! You Cut-And-Running, Tax-Raising, Amnesty-Loving, Deficit-Increasing Pinko Liberal!


Ronald Reagan and Bonzo

Ronald Reagan in a promotional image for “Bedtime for Bonzo.” (Reuters)

Well, today is the big day. Conservatives across the country are lighting the candles on their shrines, dusting off their Laffer curves, and preparing their platitudes to honor Ronald Reagan’s biggest film role: The American Presidency. Yes, it was 100 years ago that the greatest light the nation has ever known first began to shine and the rays are still penetrating the darkness even today. President Obama points to him as an influence and a guide. $arah Palin™ goes to sleep every night hugging her Gipper Action Figure™ and praying to be more like him in every way possible. Neo-Cons and Tea Baggers still look to him for advice, second only to Jesus in their hierarchy, even though they still don’t have the first clue about anything really..

So, in recognition of the dear departed Leader of the Free World, he who single-handedly brought down communism and proved voodoo economics is all in the delivery, I want to give you some fine reading materials. Conservatives take note: this is not your daddy’s Ronald Reagan. And, don’t forget to throw some cash at the debt-riddled GOP in His name; they probably won’t be able to raise any money off their own ideas so Ronaldus Magnus bobble-heads will have to suffice. I really wonder if all this idolatry is violating the sacred commandment on which conservatives insist our country was founded? It can’t be good when the Great One’s own people seem to think socialfascinazism passes constitutional muster.

In any event, let us celebrate this day! Eat some jelly beans and consult your astrologer! Let the sunlight of Morning in America™ shine forth! Gorbie, tear down this wall! We shall never forget that our greatest president, living or dead, was once an actor who shared equal billing with a chimp named Bonzo. God bless us, everyone. Amen.


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