Are There More Delicate Flowers Than Michele Bachmann’s Breasts? (Updated)

Not My Arm, I Swear

Factually Insane

First, let me confess that I have a sick obsession with Michele Bachmann. She’s so loony that she very nearly transcends parody into some meta-crazy that can only be appreciated with the right dosage of mescaline. Plus, she has those famous hollow eyes that can see down deep inside your soul. Obviously, I’m smitten.

If you’re a regular follower of the sublime Ms. Bachmann’s screeching tirades, then her latest argument might surprise you. It appears she’s completely imploded in a black hole of reverse logic so dense that it has somehow started to trap light. In a nut shell, she’s upset about that socialist harpy, Michelle Obama, urging women to breastfeed their babies because it’s healthy, promotes immunity, and is generally swell. Sounds pretty innocuous, right? That’s just the socialism talking, people!

In fact, this is more evidence that President Obama’s real agenda (and apparently his wife’s too) is to have the creeping Nanny State™ intrude on every facet of our god-given lives and doubly so if you’re a woman and have a body. Thank goodness the Republican party would never do such a thing! I mean, they hate big government!

What sends this over the edge into true brilliance is means by which Ms. Obama’s minions plan to implement this affront to liberty: a tax credit for breast pumps! Everyone knows that offering tax benefits to influence behavior is the first step towards a new Gulag Archipelago. And no one hates low taxes more than Michele Bachmann! She has charts!

Wait, what? Yes, a virulent anti-tax crusader is somehow arguing against a tax cut because by encouraging healthy behavior, the government is putting in place a sinister plan to control the Muslim Brotherhood, incite the leftists and communists, and spark the coming insurrection. Or am I confusing her with someone else?

The point is, I’m with Crazy Eyes; no tyrannical despot is going to give me healthy advice for my children, even if I agree with it. Good eating habits and breastfeeding are practically the same thing as a gun to the head and we Real Americans prefer our Cheetos, Coke Black and perfectly safe baby formula. Besides, we’re smack in the middle of a budget crisis and all that evil government overspending is endangering our kids enough!

If there is a truer, more coherent argument against Comrade Obama’s insidious breast conspiracy I certainly haven’t heard it.

Update: We knew it wouldn’t be long before $ister $arah got in on the anti-breastfeeding action.


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