Well, I’m Convinced

Newt Gringrich, perennial political has-been, has been blathering on lately about finally getting around to running for president.  Assuming this is different than the other five thousand times he’s teased the country just to sell books, he is in a good position to pick up at least a chunk of the right-wing, evangelical, hypocritical, historical ignoramus vote. If you’ve been following the Republican party for, oh, about the past 30 years or so, you know that could be a primary winner.

Unfortunately for Newt, he’s got something of an image problem. It seems people think he’s something of a callous, cruel, heartless bastard who drops sick wives like old socks when a new, younger, hotter version comes along. That’s something voters could potentially let slide of course, but as David Frum puts it:

“Anyone can dump one sick wife. Gingrich dumped two.”

Pretty harsh. Add in the fact that he was committing said adultery while attempting to impeach the president for adultery and it starts to move over into absurdity. It doesn’t help that wife numero uno recently spoke with the media and let us in on Newt’s thought processes:

He asked her to just tolerate the affair, an offer she refused.

He’d just returned from Erie, Pennsylvania, where he’d given a speech full of high sentiments about compassion and family values.

The next night, they sat talking out on their back patio in Georgia. She said, “How do you give that speech and do what you’re doing?”

“It doesn’t matter what I do,” he answered. “People need to hear what I have to say. There’s no one else who can say what I can say. It doesn’t matter what I live.”

Pretty incredible that this doesn’t endear him to nation, right? But don’t fret, kids! Just as Newt’s enormous ego simply won’t allow him to believe that anyone cares that he live by his own words, he also has a reason for why he was such a prick: Patriotism (warning: link leads to CBN). He tells David Brody in the interview:

“There’s no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate.”

It’s not his fault, guys! He just loves his country so much that he must cheat on his hospital-ridden wives! His only faults are that he works too hard and loves too much! Incidentally, it’s the same love of country that leads him to insult and demonize the president.

Obviously, Newt will be our next lord and ruler.




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