Poor, poor Walnuts. See, he thought that after losing a presidential campaign, in part because he decided to thrust a vapid, media-whore hillbilly into the spotlight as his running mate, he would be able to at least skate to re-election as the senior senator from the fine, arid state of AZ. Alas, once the scary black dude was sworn in, the Great White American Freakout™ began in earnest and all of a sudden it wasn’t so cool to be the senior senator from AZ. For their part, the Teabaggers decided they’d like to see one of their own take over for Grampa Mccain, namely an unhinged lunatic radio jockey who wants to marry his horse or something. Now, this did not sit well with John Mccain. Not well at all. See, being the senior senator from AZ has all sorts of perks and side benefits like socialist health care and a three day work week. Not to mention that if he was no longer a senator then he’d have to spend more time with his family in one of their seven homes, sipping free Budweiser and reminiscing about the good ol’ days. And who wants that?
Needless to say, John Mccain had to come up with something, anything, to endear himself to the Teabagger Nation. He’s made a pretty good run of it, throwing his principles out the windows of the Straight Talk Express as if they were no more then electoral college votes. Too bad that didn’t work, though, because his opponent is so far to the right as to be completely in another galaxy and even John Mccain’s years of experience at hypocrisy are no match for a bona fide wingnut loon. However, Walnuts does not give up easily, people! He’s got a new plan that is sure to bring the sheep back into the fold, so he can continue to be grumpy on the senate floor forever: tell the Teabaggers that he was never a maverick! On its face, this seems like a good idea: Teabaggers tend not to be too intelligent and anything they hear on Fox News is gospel, right? If Mccain could just get a soundbite or two stating his non-mavericky goodness, he’d be golden. But WAIT! Wasn’t it just last year he was proclaiming what a maverick he really was? That he was, in fact, the Original Maverick? Sadly, yes.
So now, instead of swooping in at the last minute with a can’t-fail plan worthy of the master flip-flopper himself, he has instead become the butt of the 24 hour news cycle mock-a-thon. It might have helped to use a word other than the one he made the centerpiece of his campaign, but such is the mysterious mind of Walnuts. I’m not in favor of a Senator J.D. Hayworth, but I must admit it has been fun watching him force John Mccain to spin and twitch like an epileptic sock puppet in the wind. I wonder what devious strategy Mccain will think up next! He never really married Cindy for her beer money and her percocet hook-up? Meghan’s enormous ta-tas actually belong to Janet Reno? My friends, whatever happens, it’s sure to be comedy gold, my friends!